The Tormented Soul and Suicide

 Depression is one of those things we can keep hidden. The son of a friend of mine, recently committed suicide. He was 29, part of a rock band, working a good job and nobody knew how he struggled with depression til after he died. His mother found his journal, which he had kept since he was 12 and as she read it, she wept, because, even that far back, he wrote of feeling hopeless and frightened of everything from school to sports to church. He had spent hours pouring out his heart to these pages, and yet he seemed to be so easy to get along with, so likeable and outgoing. Nobody would have ever guessed that he was broken inside.

Suicide is a sickness like cancer. It creeps up on you with little negative thoughts, sadness, anxiety, fear etc. slowly growing inside you till it makes you so hopeless, that you think the only way out, is death. Who in their right mind would think that killing yourself is the only logical thing to do? The only way to get relief from the voices in your head?

 I can say this, because a little over a year ago, I had reached the point of no return and swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I was convinced that there was no other way out of my depression and that dying was the only way out. I had momentary insanity. Was not in my right mind. Was so, completely, wrong. I had been surcome by a feeling; an idea. Nothing more tangible than that.

Did I learn anything? After eating my share of humble pie, getting back on my meds and attending some counselling, my biggest lesson/regret was all the people that I hurt and scared silly. I discovered who my true friends were. I discovered how much my kids loved me and terrified my husband into pulling his act together. But the best thing that I learned was that I didn't have to listen to the negative thoughts that had plagued me for so many years. I suddenly had control of the situation. I didn't have to be influenced by all the negativity; I could combat the thoughts with positive thoughts.

Maybe you need help. Maybe it's hard for you to think positively. Maybe you are slowly dying inside. Talk to somebody. Talk to everybody, til you find someone who gets the struggle you're experiencing. A parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a doctor, a counsellor, a pastor, a priest, a rabbi. Don't stop until you find someone to help you find some positive reasons to conquer the negativity. Things might look depressing right now, but tomorrow's a new day.  I wish I had known that my friend's son had been so tormented. I wish I could have done something for him. For her. Maybe I can do something for you.

Let's talk.