Today was a good day. Today I got up at 11am, showered and dressed to go out and meet a friend for lunch. Today I met my friend and we had nice conversation, laughed and shared safe pieces of our days. I was home by 2 and fixed a nice meal for my family. Had great conversation with my husband during dinner. Cleaned up and then sat down to create this blog.
That was today. That was not yesterday.
Yesterday, I got up at 11am with the start of a migraine and dizziness. After looking at myself in the mirror, I returned to my bed, pulled the covers over my head and slept for five more hours.
What made the difference between today and yesterday?
Depression. Deep, dark, ugly, depression. Depression is a relative matter. It doesn't always have reasons or causes. It can come and go like a turn in the weather. Sometimes it lasts for weeks, months, years. Sometimes it lasts for an hour, a day. Sometimes its impossible to believe that tomorrow is ever going to be better. Is there really light at the other end of the tunnel?
Yesterday I got up a second time at 4pm. I turned on the TV to watch Ellen, hoping she might cheer me up. Made a cup of decaf coffee, still feeling dizzy and disoriented. My brain was in a fog so I added some coconut oil to my coffee and hoped it would clear the cobwebs.
Somehow I managed to put dinner on the table. I sat in silence while my husband shouted at the TV about politics and what was wrong with our police department. My son decided to forego his dinner, and I knew it wasn't because he wanted to get to volleyball early. It was simply because Mom was depressed and he knew there would be no conversation at the table that night.
After dinner, my husband went to the gym and I sat down and cried. No particular reason. Basically, I was happy with my life. I loved my husband and kids. Had a new granddaughter to spoil. Was recuperating well from a knee replacement. No particular reason to be depressed and yet I was. Again.
Perhaps you have been there. Perhaps you know someone who is suffering as I do. Perhaps you'd just like to know what it feels like to be depressed. My husband has never been depressed and I know there are people out there that can say the same. Let's talk about this. Let's open the dark door and bring it out of the unknown and into the light. Let's destroy the stigma of mental illness, once and for all.
Because depression is a relative matter.
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