Who Amongst Us is Strong?

Today was an okay day. I got up around noon and struggled with dizziness and nausea for a few hours, but overall it was a good day because today, I was the Master of the Universe and today I felt strong.

Or so I thought. All it took to shift my world upside down was my crazy-ass husband flipping out on me for allowing the stew to over cook. Suddenly, my brave façade, was flushed down the toilet. I didn't say anything. I just added some hot water to the stew and quietly took his over reaction, but inside, something inside of me began to die.

Immediately, my mind was flooded with negative thoughts and ways in which to get back at my husband (somehow, salt in his tea sounded a bit immature). I began to spiral down into my deep, dark, ugly depression.

My only saving grace was the fact that I chatted with a new friend online, and he reminded me that I am in control of my own emotional state. Slowly, as I listened to his problems, mine did not seem so big anymore. I found positive thoughts dripping from my fingers onto our PM and even after we said 'goodnight', I began to feel stronger once again. The strength continued to inspire me to write my mom an email (not an easy feat) and then to move on to my daily blog.

I've said all this to say, that, sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain and fight battles we know nothing about. If I am any gauge by which to judge, then let me define bravery for you. Depression is one of the most challenging of all wars and only the brave survive. Strength may come and go at random, and so much of the battle is hidden from the people around us, but only the brave and the strong will come thru it as Master of the Universe. So hang in there. If I can do it, you can do it too.

Let's talk.

 

The Tormented Soul and Suicide

 Depression is one of those things we can keep hidden. The son of a friend of mine, recently committed suicide. He was 29, part of a rock band, working a good job and nobody knew how he struggled with depression til after he died. His mother found his journal, which he had kept since he was 12 and as she read it, she wept, because, even that far back, he wrote of feeling hopeless and frightened of everything from school to sports to church. He had spent hours pouring out his heart to these pages, and yet he seemed to be so easy to get along with, so likeable and outgoing. Nobody would have ever guessed that he was broken inside.

Suicide is a sickness like cancer. It creeps up on you with little negative thoughts, sadness, anxiety, fear etc. slowly growing inside you till it makes you so hopeless, that you think the only way out, is death. Who in their right mind would think that killing yourself is the only logical thing to do? The only way to get relief from the voices in your head?

 I can say this, because a little over a year ago, I had reached the point of no return and swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I was convinced that there was no other way out of my depression and that dying was the only way out. I had momentary insanity. Was not in my right mind. Was so, completely, wrong. I had been surcome by a feeling; an idea. Nothing more tangible than that.

Did I learn anything? After eating my share of humble pie, getting back on my meds and attending some counselling, my biggest lesson/regret was all the people that I hurt and scared silly. I discovered who my true friends were. I discovered how much my kids loved me and terrified my husband into pulling his act together. But the best thing that I learned was that I didn't have to listen to the negative thoughts that had plagued me for so many years. I suddenly had control of the situation. I didn't have to be influenced by all the negativity; I could combat the thoughts with positive thoughts.

Maybe you need help. Maybe it's hard for you to think positively. Maybe you are slowly dying inside. Talk to somebody. Talk to everybody, til you find someone who gets the struggle you're experiencing. A parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a doctor, a counsellor, a pastor, a priest, a rabbi. Don't stop until you find someone to help you find some positive reasons to conquer the negativity. Things might look depressing right now, but tomorrow's a new day.  I wish I had known that my friend's son had been so tormented. I wish I could have done something for him. For her. Maybe I can do something for you.

Let's talk.


The Erosion of Self

 

 

We all have a sense of self. Often it is very introverted, as we turn inward and try to make sense of all the choices and feelings we have. But if that sense of self is tuned into all the negative thoughts that eat at us, the result is often depression.

Depression is an erosion of self.

It eats at all that is good inside us and leaves us a mere skeleton of our former self. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the sadness permeates all that we do, all that we say and all that we think.

I'm not sure where all the negative thoughts come from, but somehow, I believe that they start when we are very young. You know how well meaning relatives will off the cuff say things like, "She really is putting on a few pounds, don't you think?" or "She's not very bright, is she?" or "He should really try harder, if he wants to be anything in this world". Or maybe you come from an abusive family, where nothing positive is ever said and all the negative is shouted instead of discussed. Getting slapped around would make anyone depressed.

Do you feel trapped? I know when I was 17 I couldn't wait to leave home. I did it just a few months before my 18th birthday and I never looked back. My life was tough and I sometimes worked 3-4 part time jobs. But it was the greatest freedom and I learned quick that I was responsible for my own happiness. It took me awhile to find my own way, and there was definitely still depression that came and went, but I survived and began to find new, positive thoughts to combat the negative ones.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that everything gets better after you leave home. Far from it! Life became more bearable for me emotionally, physically, but my real battlefield was my mind. And that battle has been with me for 50 yrs! But, I am here to tell you that you can GET THROUGH THE DEPRESSION THAT YOU ARE FACING RIGHT NOW. HERE. TODAY. Let tomorrow worry about its self.

Let's talk!

 

What is Normal?

 

What is normal? What does it look like, feel like and where does it come from? Why are some people normal and others are freaks, or morons, or creepy?

Who decides what normal is? The 'cool people'? Celebrities? Magazines? TV?

When I was a kid, normal was anyone other than me. Any idea, other than mine. I always felt like the odd man out. I was the last one picked whenever we had teams in phys-ed. I was the one that 'everybody' laughed at when I came in the room. I was only ever invited to a classmate's birthday party once, and only because they had to invite all the kids in the class. I know, because the 'normal' girl in the class told me that that was why I had been invited. My only friend was a girl with severe acne and a limp. She suffered at the hands of the 'normal kids' even more than I did.

When I was 15, my family moved from the east coast to the west coast, 3000 miles away from my past and suddenly my life took a turn for the better. I became 'cool' and was considered to be the 'normal' one in my circle of friends. It was overwhelming, the change. Looking back on it, I have to admit that I was still the same, quiet, awkward teenager. But for a number of other awkward teenagers, I was the 'cool' one ~ I was their 'normal'. And even tho there were other kids in my class who had their own followers, I had found acceptance in my own little group we called 'The Cools'.

So what made the difference between the hell I endured pre-move and the acceptance I enjoyed post-move? I think it had less to do with the move, and more to do with perception. I had believed that I was nothing while surrounded by kids that reinforced my belief. In their eyes, I had failed their assessment of what was cool. But in the eyes of a new crowd of kids, somehow, I measured up to what they thought was cool.

Nothing has changed in regards to school popularity. The same dynamic is alive today. But I want to ask you another question.

Who do you think was more depressed? Pre-move me or post-move me?

The truth of the matter is, neither. I was just as depressed in both situations.

While I was being tormented by classmates, I would think..."If only I was more popular, then I wouldn't be so down in the dumps." But when I was more popular, I was amazed that I was still depressed! Of course, at this point in my life, I didn't realize that I was clinically depressed. I had to put on a happy face to fool my 'following', but I still went home and cried. I would lay awake most the night, worrying about so many different things. Worried about my friends. Worried about tomorrow's exam. Worried about my mom who had been ill. Anything I could possibly be worried about, I was anxious and depressed all day, every day.

Back to perception, I think that not only my perception of normalcy, but everyone around me had a flawed perception of what was normal! I would even go so far as to say that normalcy does not exist. We are all unique beings. There is nobody like you in this world. Nobody on this planet is normal. So let's start looking at our lives from a fresh perspective.

Let's talk.

It's One of Those Days...

Today started off rough. I got up at 10am this morning and every bone in my body ached. My mind was in a dull fog and I had to shower and be ready to go out with my husband to meet friends for Dim Sum in 15 minutes. Not sure how, but I made it and we got to the restaurant early.

Our friends are elderly and Lois had recently been diagnosis as having Parkinson's. I wasn't sure how well she had taken the news, but my fears were in vain. She and her husband, Bob, carried on conversation as if nothing had happened, and I began to realize that just because she had a terminal disease, it did not define who she was as a friend. Her physical weakness was evident, but her spirit was radiant.

It made me think of what I struggle with and how often I surcome to self pity. Self pity is a weakness that is easy to overcome. All it takes is seeing someone else who has a bigger struggle than you do, defeat that voice in their head.

What are you listening to today? I know, for myself, I have one less voice rattling around in my head. Today, self pity is not going to win.

Self Imposed Loneliness

I mentioned in an earlier post that I would share about how I managed to hold down a job while suffering from chronic depression. As I said earlier, I stayed at home with my kids for thirteen years and I do believe that it was the love that I had for my two boys that carried me through those years. I realize that there are people out there who could not have coped with raising children AND their depression. I am not going to judge you, if you fall into that category of people. We all suffer in our own ways, and what I consider to be very hard to endure, you might find easy to get thru. And visa versa.

Anyway, I decided to go back to work because both boys were doing well at school and I felt like they no longer needed me to be there all day long. I got a job where I worked the night shift and would get home in time to make their lunches and send them off to school . (We lived five houses away from the school). I would go to bed and sleep til they got home. I would average about 32 to 35hrs. of sleep a week. I depended heavily on coffee to keep me going. But no matter how strong I appeared to be on the outside, inside I was an emotional mess just waiting to spill over.

Often, I would crash on the weekends with migraine headaches or just feeling so far down that I couldn't drag myself out of bed. But then, Monday morning came, and I would rise to the challenge and go thru another week. It was during this time that my husband began to pressure me to get things done around the house and many arguments surfaced as a result of my change in responsibilities on top of the depression that I sometimes felt was drowning me. I tried to explain how the depression affected me, but he never really took my depression seriously. He would tell me to just get over it; said it was all in my head. It wasn't until I attempted to take my life, that suddenly, it became an issue of any substance in his eyes. But that's a whole other story, I won't get into today.

The more my husband complained, the deeper I sank into this deep, dark pit of despair, having set and not completed ridiculous goals of perfection for myself. I felt very much alone and defeated at my own game. Our marriage began to fall apart, and within a few years, I left my husband and went to live with a friend for a few months. I wasn't sure that I still loved him. I knew I was not happy. He was not happy. The kids were not happy. It all stemmed equally from my depression and his stubborn, critical nature.

I WAS DROWNING IN NEGATIVITY. My own negative thoughts of self doubt, and inadequacy and the constant put downs I got from my husband, was tearing me to pieces.

We are church-goers and as much as I love God and my church family, I found myself withdrawing from what used to be a highlight of my week. Or I would go, and smile and remain superficial and so phony, I often hated myself. I always preferred to be alone, but at the same time, I was so desperately lonely. I would often sit in the darkness and cry. It was like a release of all the pain and sadness I had to bottle up inside for the sake of my kids and for a husband who was hopeless in understanding me.

Looking back on those days and the many things that eventually spiralled downwards into thoughts of suicide, I'm sorry I hurt my family and friends with that decision. I wish I could have sought out the help that came my way afterwards. All I can really say now, is that suicide is never the solution to the problem of mental illness. I KNOW what it feels like to be so far down and helpless. I KNOW what voices can plague a person til you feel defeated. I KNOW what it's like to feel numb to everything around you. There is a way to cope with depression. To learn how to live with it and in spite of it. There will be good days and there will be bad days, but if you're dead, there is no days left in which to learn and love and to improve your life.

So let's talk!

Frank Words of Wisdom by Kristen Clark

Shared with you with permission from Kristen Clark who wrote this in another blog a few days ago:


*I don't usually talk about things like depression on this page (or at least I try not to, lez be honest, sometimes I do), but could I just say something for a minute? If you think that someone is weak because they claim to have depression, anxiety, or some other kind of mental disorder, then I'm sad to say that you're very very wrong.

Depression- feelings of severe despondency and dejection, otherwise known as extreme sadness.
  Symptoms- being more quiet than usual, having little self-worth, losing interest (whether quickly or slowly) in activities previously enjoyed.

Anxiety disorders- a category of mental disorders characterized by feelings of anxiety and fear, where anxiety is a worry about future events and fear is a reaction to current events.
  Symptoms- jumpiness, timid voice, occasional nervous laughter.

Bipolar disorder- characterized by both manic and depressive episodes, or manic ones only.
   Symptoms- major mood swings (obvious, I know), or sudden changes in interests or outlook on life.

I could sit here all day and list the different kinds of things people all over the world struggle with. But back to what I was saying earlier. If you think people like these are weak, you're very wrong. People like this - admittedly similar to myself - are dangerous. Why, you ask? Broken people know how to survive. So I'm only going to say this once and be done with it. DO NOT MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO HAVE ANY OF THESE LISTED ABOVE OR ANY OTHERS YOU MAY HERE OF, AND DO NOT ROMANTICIZE THIS SHIT. IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL, THESE ARE SERIOUS THINGS THAT ARE OFTEN FOUGHT WITH ON A SEVERE LEVEL ON A DAILY BASIS. Thank you, that is all.*

Thank you, Kristen, could not have said it better myself.😊

Criticism ~ Negative vs. Positive Thinking

Today is an okay kinda day. Woke up this morning in a bit of a fog, but coffee cleared that up. I had a shower, brushed my teeth and made some breakfast. The sun is shining. My hubby's in a cheery mood. But there is still a sadness that permeates my being. I can't describe it, other than to identify the voices in my head.

They sound like this: "Your ugly... your too shy... your afraid of everything... your going to eat too many sweets because that's all you like... your hubby doesn't really care about you... your hubby is having an affair because you are too moody... don't call that person back, she's too cheery... don't tell anyone your down because you KNOW how they will react...

Like the poster at the beginning of this post, I am my own worse critic! If people with depression realized that they are their own worse critic, that would be the first step toward being healthy. I'm not saying that mental health is easy because it's not. But the first step towards health is realizing and identifying the voices that go on inside our heads.

I attempted suicide a little over a year ago. I was hospitalized for a week. That time in the hospital gave me time to reflect on my life and the way I spend my time everyday. I learned something about myself that I want to share with you.

I CAN CONTROL THE VOICES I CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO.

Shortly after that, I was talking to a therapist about the negative thoughts I have that plagued me everyday, and she suggested I make a list of all the reasons I had to live. She told me to take my time and even if it took me a week to write that list, to keep at it til I had all the reasons there were for me to live.

At first I thought that there weren't any. Then I started to think about my husband and kids. When I had taken those pills, I had thought about them, but decided that they were not enough to keep me from dying. It had been my negative thoughts that had convinced me of this. So in an attempt to turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts, I put them on my list.

Next I thought of my parents, my siblings. My friends, my church family. Within an hour, I had written 15 reasons. Over the next few months I came up with 11 more.

My therapist then told me to write each of those reasons as a complete thought, keeping positivity
in mind. For example,
"Husband" became "I love my husband and want to live because my death would destroy him".

Over the next few sessions, we revised my list, but during that time, I began to realize that my reason's reflected how my death would affect other people. They had nothing to do with me and what I wanted for myself or for my life. So another revision was required.

Therefore, "I love my husband and want to live because my death would destroy him" became
"I want to live because I want to be apart of my husband's life."

Now, when I am feeling particularly down, I recite that list. (I know it by heart!).

I'm not going to tell you that the answer to your depression is positive thinking: I would be selling you short if I said that! It's merely a small piece of the puzzle that made a difference for me. And there is no such thing as a complete healing from depression. But it can be dealt with. Little by little.

Would love to hear from you. In my next blog, I'm going to share the effect of depression on my jobs. I stayed at home with my kids for 13 yrs. but I did go back to work. That was a whole different bucket of fish, so come back and hear about that.

Let's talk!

What is Strength?

 

Today, I'm doing pretty good, that's why I've referred to depression as being a relative matter. My day can start off feeling strong and end in a puddle of tears. I never know from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, just how I'm going to feel. That fact used to scare me, especially when I had small kids. They depended on Mommy to be there when they woke up, to fix their meals, kiss their boo-boos, read to them, play with them. At night, I'd bathe them, read to them (the same book over and over), say prayers with my little gentlemen. Mommy Jabeau had to be strong even when I was weak.

I think what we need to consider that a depressed person can function and look quite 'normal'. I think that the strength demonstrated by many like myself, is the true strength that the poster above is talking about. 

Over the years, this personae I portrayed changed from something that I hid from the world, into something I began to share with close friends. I began to look at my own mental health as an obstacle that could be overcome, with the right help, the right medication and people who loved me in spite of it.

I challenge each reader to examine their own definition of strength, and see if you can relate to the poster at the beginning of this blog.

And of course,

Let's talk

Interesting article on how memory is disrupted by depression

Check it out:

http://neurosciencenews.com/working-memory-depression-psychology-2985/

When the World Shakes

 

Today, the whole world grieves for the terrorist attack in Paris. It dominates the news; the internet, newspapers, radio, TV. It's hard to find any media that is not covering this horrific act. Our hearts are crushed as the whole world shakes.

Not only our hearts, but the minds of the mentally ill are thrown into confusion.

Today, I got up at 2pm, because my mind was shattered by the attacks on Paris and I just couldn't sleep all night. I'm going to try to explain what happens to the mind of someone who is depressed.

Imagine a strong, mature maple tree that has a single damaged branch. It may still be deriving sustainance from the tree. This tree is like the mind of a "normal" person. But, then a strong wind whips up and rattles the whole tree, making it sway to and fro; the broken branch is ripped from it's hold on the tree. After the storm, the tree has obviously been damaged. Not only is the branch ripped from the tree, but other branches have cracks or are now hanging precariously from the its base, leaves have been ripped away. It's a fairly ugly tree now and if it were an animal, our reaction might be to put it out of it's misery.

The mind of a depressed person is like that tree with the broken branch. Overall, we probably look pretty well put together. After all, everyone has some kind of flaw, right? We keep them hidden in our minds. ALOT of depressed people are perfectionists (I know I was for many years). All it takes to rattle us is a bit of wind; the death of a friend, a relative, sexual abuse, any kind of abuse really. We become that tree with the one broken branch, and we walk with a bit of a psychological 'limp'. Inside, we are suffering from a weigh of self doubt, inadequacy, deep sadness that we can't shake. You can't cheer up a depressed person. We might smile for a bit, go for a walk, out for dinner ~ whatever you drag us out to. But as soon as you are gone, we return to that unshakable sadness that weighs us down.

Back to the story about the tree. A MIGHTY wind (divorce, an earthquake, tidal wave, terrorist attack...) whips up and our minds become chaotic. We slide a little deeper into a greater sadness. We stop showering, stay in our jammies all day, sleep in late and stay up all night. We don't bother talking to anyone, or we argue vehemently over the littlest things. We avoid those cheerful friends and withdraw into ourselves, into our self~made loneliness and start believing all those negative thoughts that seem to plague us. We become that ugly, broken tree with missing leaves and other broken branches.

Given time, the broken tree will survive and will grow new branches and leaves. Maybe one day, provide shade from the weather and shelter from the wind for others.

Given time, a depressed person can begin to heal. But it takes time and effort on our part. It takes an effort to step out of our comfort zone, which, if you will remember, is not a very happy place anyway! 😊 For some, maybe all, it will take medication. It could take counselling and prayer/mediation. It could take a 're~wiring' of our minds to think, not 'happy thoughts' but positive thoughts.

I will be sharing my experiences in coming blogs, but I'd also like to hear from you. There is only one way out of the stigma of mental illness and that is to talk about it. I don't have all the answers, but I could have some of them.

So let's talk!

The Dark, Ugly Truth

Today was a good day. Today I got up at 11am, showered and dressed to go out and meet a friend for lunch. Today I met my friend and we had nice conversation, laughed and shared safe pieces of our days. I was home by 2 and fixed a nice meal for my family. Had great conversation with my husband during dinner. Cleaned up and then sat down to create this blog.

That was today. That was not yesterday.

Yesterday, I got up at 11am with the start of a migraine and dizziness. After looking at myself in the mirror, I returned to my bed, pulled the covers over my head and slept for five more hours.

What made the difference between today and yesterday?

Depression. Deep, dark, ugly, depression. Depression is a relative matter. It doesn't always have reasons or causes. It can come and go like a turn in the weather. Sometimes it lasts for weeks, months, years. Sometimes it lasts for an hour, a day. Sometimes its impossible to believe that tomorrow is ever going to be better. Is there really light at the other end of the tunnel?

Yesterday I got up a second time at 4pm. I turned on the TV to watch Ellen, hoping she might cheer me up. Made a cup of decaf coffee, still feeling dizzy and disoriented. My brain was in a fog so I added some coconut oil to my coffee and hoped it would clear the cobwebs.

Somehow I managed to put dinner on the table. I sat in silence while my husband shouted at the TV about politics and what was wrong with our police department. My son decided to forego his dinner, and I knew it wasn't because he wanted to get to volleyball early. It was simply because Mom was depressed and he knew there would be no conversation at the table that night.

After dinner, my husband went to the gym and I sat down and cried. No particular reason. Basically, I was happy with my life. I loved my husband and kids. Had a new granddaughter to spoil. Was recuperating well from a knee replacement. No particular reason to be depressed and yet I was. Again.

Perhaps you have been there. Perhaps you know someone who is suffering as I do. Perhaps you'd just like to know what it feels like to be depressed. My husband has never been depressed and I know there are people out there that can say the same. Let's talk about this. Let's open the dark door and bring it out of the unknown and into the light. Let's destroy the stigma of mental illness, once and for all.

Because depression is a relative matter.