Today is an okay kinda day. Woke up this morning in a bit of a fog, but coffee cleared that up. I had a shower, brushed my teeth and made some breakfast. The sun is shining. My hubby's in a cheery mood. But there is still a sadness that permeates my being. I can't describe it, other than to identify the voices in my head.
They sound like this: "Your ugly... your too shy... your afraid of everything... your going to eat too many sweets because that's all you like... your hubby doesn't really care about you... your hubby is having an affair because you are too moody... don't call that person back, she's too cheery... don't tell anyone your down because you KNOW how they will react...
Like the poster at the beginning of this post, I am my own worse critic! If people with depression realized that they are their own worse critic, that would be the first step toward being healthy. I'm not saying that mental health is easy because it's not. But the first step towards health is realizing and identifying the voices that go on inside our heads.
I attempted suicide a little over a year ago. I was hospitalized for a week. That time in the hospital gave me time to reflect on my life and the way I spend my time everyday. I learned something about myself that I want to share with you.
I CAN CONTROL THE VOICES I CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO.
Shortly after that, I was talking to a therapist about the negative thoughts I have that plagued me everyday, and she suggested I make a list of all the reasons I had to live. She told me to take my time and even if it took me a week to write that list, to keep at it til I had all the reasons there were for me to live.
At first I thought that there weren't any. Then I started to think about my husband and kids. When I had taken those pills, I had thought about them, but decided that they were not enough to keep me from dying. It had been my negative thoughts that had convinced me of this. So in an attempt to turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts, I put them on my list.
Next I thought of my parents, my siblings. My friends, my church family. Within an hour, I had written 15 reasons. Over the next few months I came up with 11 more.
My therapist then told me to write each of those reasons as a complete thought, keeping positivity
in mind. For example,
"Husband" became "I love my husband and want to live because my death would destroy him".
Over the next few sessions, we revised my list, but during that time, I began to realize that my reason's reflected how my death would affect other people. They had nothing to do with me and what I wanted for myself or for my life. So another revision was required.
Therefore, "I love my husband and want to live because my death would destroy him" became
"I want to live because I want to be apart of my husband's life."
Now, when I am feeling particularly down, I recite that list. (I know it by heart!).
I'm not going to tell you that the answer to your depression is positive thinking: I would be selling you short if I said that! It's merely a small piece of the puzzle that made a difference for me. And there is no such thing as a complete healing from depression. But it can be dealt with. Little by little.
Would love to hear from you. In my next blog, I'm going to share the effect of depression on my jobs. I stayed at home with my kids for 13 yrs. but I did go back to work. That was a whole different bucket of fish, so come back and hear about that.
Let's talk!
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